This question reached me from a MSA-friend of mine. Good question, I thought so. Actually, I just keep hanging on one day at a time. I never have a clue what tomorrow will bring. I may wake up tomorrow in a mood where I can’t stand myself. It can be anything, from sad to angry, or I can just melt into self-pity.
What I’ve noticed, though, it’s not worth crying about. There are headaches and only the earth gets wet. Fuck the wrinkles, they exist too, but they don’t hurt.
Until now every time I went to town I felt a the strike in my stomach when I saw a person on a bike, a woman in high shoes, an old man with a walker or a person loaded with bags who can walk and carry. Every time I thought about my ex, I could have cried and I often did. Until I realized I don’t expect anything, I don’t want to meet him, I don’t want him to be around, the train has left the station, so all that remains is the headache.
When I couldn’t walk anymore without any aids, I thought I would sink in public, with a cane and everyone would stare at me. I no longer go to my favorite bakery, or favorite supermarket … I want to avoid them asking me what is wrong with me. Now I have shorn my hair and I don’t dye my hair anymore, so nobody knows me from before. Walking with a cane feels no more like a punishment.
Which of course is useful to climb from event to event. I see, it is a bit different without children than with, with partner and family. Those with children or grandchildren want to see them go to school or graduate, walk to the altar or experience a special wedding day. I – without kids – want to go to a certain concert or want to create a journey. There is, of course, always this discussion about what is better, family or alone. I think, each according to his own style. I still don’t regret being alone, but I do understand that there are people who wish somebody to be around.
Of course, family can also be a burden. I rarely see my family, but then it is exhausting, I want to protect everyone, show my best side. I find it difficult to tell my old, even sick and frail father the whole truth. I can imagine, what a burden it is, to tell your partner or children that you are suffering from an incurable disease. This is bad for one self and also a burden for the relatives.
What’s more, I am planning to move in the spring, and until then I still have a lot to get rid of. From my life before.
What is good, however, is that this illness comes later in life, one has lived before and now “has the time” to think about the past. That is better than not having this possibility. I realize what I have already forgotten, my own life is like a cinema.
Of course you can’t talk this situation beautifully, you can try to see things rationally. Because as I said, only the earth gets wet from crying.