At the end of the year I visited my father. Drive up to Budapest (the ones who doesn’t know, I am Hungarian-born), by Flixbus (at night) and then continue with my nephew by car. However, I was very exhausted, but I am good at “pinching my ass together”. Before that, I doped with painkillers,and an annoying lumbar spine attack came in.
My father is over 80, himself seriously ill, asthma and a lot more. He knows that I have “something” but he knows a “mild” version – what more do I want to offend to an old, sick man. He is worried enough as it is, but he hopes that I will soon go to the hospital and get the magic cure, that will repair everything. He should have that hope. I’m already worried, how long I can keep up this spectacle, because one day, he will see for himself. Or who knows how much longer I can visit him.
But I got a taste of, what it’s like to be dependent on others. I don’t drive on the highway anymore, I used to drive the 1000 km with my BMW without any problems, now I can’t do that anymore. My nephew drove me everywhere without words and I had the support of friends too, but to ask every time, to get from A to B, I have to learn that. I am used to just sit in my car and spontaneously go somewhere. It is not like that anymore. I have to plan everything… nothing spontaneously.
In front of my family and friends I try to show the best version of myself, to protect and not to scare them. Everyone handles it differently. Some talk about it, ask questions, some keep quiet politely, it is also a question of mentality.
Only two years ago the last time, I used to come for every Christmas and I used to cook for my dad in the traditional way. That’s over now. We also drove back for Christmas, my nephew of course wants to spend the holidays with his girlfriend. So it was a short trip, but at least I saw my people.
I visited my mother at the cemetery (she died in 2012, exactly on Christmas Eve, from lung cancer), but we always had a difficult relationship. I only asked her at the cemetery, why she didn’t make me “neat and clean”?
The last day was emotional, a lot of things came up. To see where I once jumped as a child, skated, learned to ride a bike, went to school … Saying goodbye to my father and to my home was hard. How and when can I come back here and if? What will be next Christmas?
And all the time the question: when and why did this start? To say with lyrics:
“Forgotten every day, forgotten every night
Where have I been? What have I done?
How did it start? When did it start?
Where have I been? What have I done?”
All in all, I am still doing „well”, it is difficult to strike a balance between optimism and reality. Even though, I know, that it will never be like before, I don’t concentrate on what is predicted.
At least I visited for Christmas my friend and her family, and went there by car, including the highway. So there you go. And I plan my next visit home by bus and down there to rent a car.
Being home is difficult. To see the place where I grew up, my family… now I have a picture of what it is like for people who have their home and family here – I can hide myself. I don’t have for that the support and comfort of my people, but as long as I can take care of myself it’s okay. To see all this makes me melancholic, sad. Again and again, I realize that psychologically it is much harder to cope with this as I thought. To express it again with a song text:
“Who knows?
My heart up and away,
I love life,
Life does not love me,
It tramples me underfoot,
And slaps me in the face.
I love the sun,
The sun does not love me,
Burns my soul,
The day without light”
However, only special people get hard ways – if is that any comfort. And now, on holidays and at the end of the year, we are allowed to be melancholy. Anyone can give easily up, so just put the crown in place, get up and keep walking…
Merry Christmas to everyone, and all the best for the New Year!