To accept?

I ask myself again and again the question whether one can accept this condition ever. Through conversations, the topic now comes up again. Others say, they have the effort to accept the disease to be able to close, to live on. One also takes help from psychologists, social workers or other trained experts. I also had a psychologist at the beginning of the disease, but I have to say that the whole thing didn’t really help me, it only upset me, often the whole day was in a mess afterwards…

Now I am about two and a half years after the diagnosis, but I can by no means say that I have accepted the condition. The thought still fills me with rage as on the first day, I still miss my old life, I am just envious of other people who go about their everyday business as a matter of course. Working, dancing, wearing high heels, biking, driving, going on vacation, shopping, just carrying a bag or walking from A to B, everything I would like to have.

Of course, the degree of suffering also depends on how old you are and in what condition. What can one still do and what not.

You “take” this condition, because you have to, there is no choice. But to accept? I don’t know if I ever will.

Dreams are quite nasty. I dream simply to cross a yard. It’s easy. After I wake up, I think, I have to be able to do this earlier. I learned to do this as a kid and have done it all my life. So what’s the problem? That walking can be so difficult doesn’t make sense to me at all – rationally.

Do you really accept it? Or do you do and say that for the sake of your family and loved ones? I remember when I visited my family in Hungary, I always showed “the best version” of myself, I tried to get things in order and I acted so enlightened and fearless “just made the best” out of the situation. I wanted to spare my relatives and not scare them. Of course I make the best of the situation, but that doesn’t mean that I have accepted it, I hate this reality, like I did on the first day.

Sometimes it is a blessing to be alone, sometimes it scares me. But when I am alone, I can suffer and struggle or fall down as much as I want, without my loved ones giving me pitying looks, to help me out of the awkward situation. 

I always talk to my dad on the phone on Sundays, I always try to sound as good as possible. Straight sit, have something ready to drink… I don’t know if people “accept” to comfort others. Because if you don’t accept, like me, then you are angry, sad, envious, stubborn, you just feel unfairly treated by life. Or should you bow your head and humbly accept? Is it easier then? I do not know what can make it easier, psychotherapy does not help me in any case. I sometimes read in forums that patients are glad about good weather or because the birds are singing. Hell no, I can’t be glad just because the sun is rising. If I were on a mountain, then maybe….

I just don’t have that humility.

I think the question comes up now because I realize with disappointment that after 2.5 years it doesn’t get a bit easier, the opposite… With more deficits, limitations it becomes clear to me what a bad fate this is.

Being angry and enraged doesn’t mean I won’t fight. Giving up would be simple, but this way is indisputable for me. I think I have mentioned this before, I want to make the maximum out of my possibilities.

  

  

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