This is a topic that is rarely talked about, at this point as a warning to all, if you want to read on – it is about one’s own death and it is about active euthanasia.
There are many people who reject such a thing. If you have a partner, family and children. Then you live for them. Or you hold on to the belief. Well, if you have all that, I respect that too. I don’t want to judge all this, we live different lives. I don’t have all that, and I see it differently. I don’t regret that I am different from most people.
I think about it – I think about many things – to what extent would be this a “giving up”. I just want to have this possibility to quit if I wish, I don’t lie down and wait for the end. For me it is good to have this possibility and now my head is free and I can concentrate on fighting against this disease. To be in good physical condition as long as possible, to be able to take care of myself as long as possible.
Where I didn’t have this possibility, the fear paralyzed me, because with this disease you don’t know what tomorrow can bring. Now it’s a little easier because I can quit, I could, I just don’t know if I want to.
On the one hand it is good that I had a rich life, I am glad about the world I saw, I am glad that I got to know the otherness of mankind. I am glad that I left my comfort zone, that I dared to do something. I have made some mistakes but I regret only what I have not done.
I have been living in the past for a long time. I live from my memories and in retrospect I see how great my life was.
So for me, it’s been a good way to clear my head. It’s such a miserable issue as living wills. As long as you don’t do that, it hangs over your head like Damocles sword.
Furthermore, I am in the process of arranging and paying for my funeral. That’s a little weird, too. Healthy people don’t deal with such things, they also think that they have plenty of time. But doing this is not only for sick people, because we all die. Sometime. I don’t want to leave any costs and work to my heirs and so I know for sure it will be the way I want it.
Admittedly, I’m glad when it’s all done. I can then take a breath and devote myself to the only important task: Fighting MSA!