MSA does not make me a better person, or rather, how this disease exhausts my mind

I was outside on Sunday – of course with my electric scooter, I can´t walk mainly outside, anymore. I have audio books with me, something to drink, sunglasses and baseball cap. I always go into nature, where there is less going on, and not in the city. I prefer to have my peace and quiet. Now I made the mistake of picking a sunny Sunday where half the world goes out. I certainly look like someone who doesn’t belong on there on my e-scooter.
On my way I met countless joggers and cyclists. Which spoiled my mood over time. A lot of amateur athletes – without me. I had two drawers full of sports clothes, my noble running shoes are together with dirt from better times, in the shoe rack. Somehow I don’t want to throw them away. Like the previous one. I have not brought over the heart to throw them away. In any case, now I go out and meet a bunch of unathletic people while cycling and running, and I am overcome by a new, unexpected and unknown aggressiveness, envy and intolerance, which I do not know from me, and I would love to tear these unathletic and misshapen people from their bikes and I find it so unspeakably unfair, the whole world can do it, only I can not. And I don’t want to be consoled with alternatives and compromises….
I wonder why something like this has to be, why does this miserable situation have to be made worse. It’s called pouring salt into the wound.

Furthermore, I am now organizing my funeral, I want to take care of it and pay for it. Of course, that sucks. Flower arrangements and music request…I couldn’t care less…now I have to pick out an urn for my ashes. I know picking out shoes, or perfume. This is so surreal. The person from the funeral home who gave me nice advice and visited me home said when I entered my information, “Oh, I’m of the same birth year as you”. Why this statement has finished me, guess.

I also visited my old home the other day. I was looking forward to it and did not expect that it would test my nerves.
First of all, I noticed, that a lot has happened in that place since I “left”. I was with two friends who took care of me with love. We got coffee at the bakery where I used to shop. On “my” parking lot stands now a strange car.
For the way back I chose a P+R parking place as a meeting point not far from my old apartment. I don’t know so many possibilities near the highway. My old running route. I know every pothole there, so to speak. So many memories. What was stupid, we spent more time than I thought in that parking place because of traffic jams on the freeway. We were sitting on a bench in the late summer sun, my two friends chatting about trivia. I realized at that moment that those trivialities are now irrelevant in my life. Ouch. I’m too quiet and too slow to participate in a lively conversation between the three of us. At least without breaking the flow of the conversation.
I have to say that everything went well the night before. I got through the evening without any mishap. The three of us visited a beer garden, I sat stably on the wooden bench, I didn’t knock out my teeth with the beer glass and I ate a schnitzel without throwing schnitzel and fries at my table neighbors and myself. My schnitzel didn’t end up on the floor either, under the table.
This drive through my old home was stupider than I thought. Like visiting my old life only without me. So many memories. Too many. I was glad when it was over, I’ll never do that again either. This trip made me to an ungrateful person, I think my friends probably asked themselves “what has happened to her?”. At that moment they couldn’t please me anyway. I realized that I was not the same as before, tolerant, relaxed, sociable and patient, but much more thin-skinned and sensitive. I was glad to be back in my own home, to be able to close the door behind me and let my suffering run free. I am used to deal with everything myself.

What do I learn from this? MSA does not make me an simpler person, not a better one. I think for the people around me I am not an enrichment. Rather a challenge.

Translated with (free version)

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